So as I'm sitting here scrolling the Instagram...my brain starts spinning. I've figured out why this stage in weightloss is so complicated for me.
In the beginning you're all new and fresh and ready to go. You suck at every part of the weightloss thing because it's new and you are having to struggle to find recipies and it takes forever because it's all new. The exercise is the same. My first mile, I thought I was going to DIE, I hurt all over, my heartrate got into the upper 170's easy and I couldn't breath and thought I needed to stop and my feet were on fire! Now I'm not about to say that walking a mile is a breeze for me now. It's not. My feet still hurt. But it doesn't feel like a life or death thing anymore. lol. I walked 7.5 miles last week! That is just insane to me. I've never walked that many miles in a week that I can remember. '
Ok so back to the point. I was strolling through Instagram....one of my favorite things to do these days. I have shown Instagram that I'm super interested in accounts that feature keto lifestyles and extreme weightloss. And as I'm scrolling through, I get stuck on this one girl. She's lost 40 something pounds. She is only 5 foot 2, but her starting weight was just under 200...that's a huge difference from me (SW386.4), so those 40 something pounds have transformed her life. She was talking about how that before pic was the old her and she was never going back to the old her and how much happer and healthier and wonderful her life was now.
I've lost 32.9 pounds...not much difference right. And nothing about my appearance has changed. I was sitting here staring at her before and after pic and it hit me. I know what has been bothering me so badly this past few weeks...
I'm ALL IN...8 weeks down but it feels like a lifetime. I am NOT the same person I was 8 weeks ago. I FEEL like the new me, stuck in the old me body. Does that make any sense? I have the energy to go and go and go, but this stupid body won't let me. MANY days my feet give up on me way before my mind and the rest of me is ready to stop. I don't know that I've ever felt this way before. My first successful weightloss was 6 years ago. I know my body has changed since then. I went from doing this in my 20's to doing it in my mid-30's (wow I'm getting old). I feel this sense of urgency. I know that having the weight on me has always been super bad but I felt helpless and I surrounded myself with why I was overweight, rather than finding ways to make it better. Being overweight is hard on your body and bad on your organs. But I'm not just overweight, no, I'm super obese. I'm in the largest size of clothing sold in most Plus Size sections of any store. So my weight isn't just "bad for me", it's a freaking train wreck. I know that. I don't know why I haven't made this happen and got it all off sooner.....I don't know why I allowed those 77 pounds I lost 6 years ago to come back with 20 extra. I don't know why I allowed those 70 pounds I lost last year to come back either. What I do know, is that I canNOT keep doing this. I can't keep starting over, I can't keep failing. I can't keep letting my happiness be dictated by what I'm going to get to eat next. I can't keep making excuses for why I make bad decisions that inevetibly make my life-span shorter and shorter.
I'm there. My mind is where it's supposed to be....so....body catch up already. I laid in my bed looking at my wide open closet this morning. Looking at all of the 26/28 clothing I've acquired over the years. Some of them are brand new, some are 4 or 5 years old or even older. I've been in a size 26/28 for years. Sometimes they fit losely, sometimes I look like a can of busted biscuits in them, but that has been my primary size of clothing for at least 7 or 8 years. Maybe longer. And the only way I can wear that size in pants is if they are strechy. I have a pair of 28 jeans I got into last year. But I feel soooo weird in jeans. I haven't worn them regularly since my early 20's. I wonder, when I lose the weight if I will like wearing them? They feel so weird to me. Like I can't move in them. Maybe I'll just wear yoga pants and leggings forever. Haha. They make me happy.
Sorry if this one was annoying, I just had some random thoughts that I had to put out there so my brain would stop spinning and repeating the same things over and over. It seems like, once I get it all written down, I work through my thoughts and I feel better about it. Yes, I'm aware that I'm super weird. Lol
Xoxo....Honor
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