Sunday, May 13, 2012

Day 168:Mother's Day Blues

I love my momma. She underestimates herself and has no idea how good of a mother she really is. She raised my sister and I all by herself until I was 11 and taught us so many valuable lessons. My mom is the most honest person I know. She wouldn't even fib to a friend if we were fighting and I asked her to tell them I was asleep or something!

I went to church with mom and dad this morning and then my sister and I went to get something to eat and brought it to their house because dad can't really eat hardly at all anymore so that was a way we could all eat together. My daddy's health isn't only taking a toll on him, but it's really taken a toll on my momma. I hate that. It's hard enough to see one of them sick. But both is almost more than I can handle.

I stayed busy with my family until I was on my way to work a little before three. And on my way to work I had to much time to think and let my emotions take over. Mother's Day is always really hard for me. It's like a big fat notification that I'm still not a mother. Which is one thing I think I want more than anything else. Not to mention I know it's what my hubby wants and my momma is dying to have a grand baby. :( So its the day that I feel more like a failure than any other day of the year. On one hand I tell myself that it's not my fault I have infertility issues. And on the other hand I KNOW that the type of infertility that I have can be greatly impacted by weightloss and for the past 9 years I've done nothing but Gain weight. So yea, it's my fault. And it hurts. And I hate it. I was in my studio alone because my first appointment didn't show up. And my emotions were spilling over just as someone really special to me walked up. Apparently my emotions were written all over my face, because all she had to do was say, "What's wrong?" and I just lost it. She was there at the EXACT moment that I needed her and I know that was a God thing. Because I just needed to let it out to someone who would understand my craziness and know just what to say. And she was the perfect person for the job.

So I've got to let my Hurt in this situation fuel me for the next six months or so because that's how long I have to stay on birth control(I know it's dumb, but that's just how it is when you have PCOS) and then hopefully I'll be all straightened out (and much thinner) and able to start Really planning for a pregnancy. I'm terrified that it won't work. But my doctor seems to be very positive. So I'm going to go with that. But that means I have to stay focused and keep my eye on the prize. And today, even though we had Mexican, I stayed well within my calorie goal. And I'm going to keep doing that.

Every day...

No excuses...

So if you hear me start making excuses again you better call me out on it! Lol. I don't have any more time to waste with excuses.

Thank you for supporting me :)
<3 Honor


  1. I love you girl. You are in my prayers daily. I wish nothing but the best for you. Your post bout made me cry.

  2. Who says you aren't a mother? Maybe not to a human, but you do have animal babies. You said yourself that you're a momma to your Kitty the only way he knows, and the only way you can be for now. Although, when you do get pregnant, you'll know the joy of getting something you desire so greatly. Pregnancy is an amazing thing even if you don't have complications getting that way. I'm certain that you will feel that joy a hundred times more than most regular people. I have faith in you, and will pray for you during this journey. Just remember, what you're doing now, you're doing for your baby. I'm positive you will be successful! :)

  3. Oh sweetie! Infertility is NOT your fault! Plenty of overweight people with PCOS have children and pleny of people who seem to be perfect physically can't. You're doing everything you possibly can--and that includes the times when you were gaining weight. Probably even you don't realize all the reasons you needed to gain the weight and hang on to it. Your faith in God is beautiful and He will bless you. Keep on trying. You're an inspiration to me!