Thursday, May 17, 2012

Day 171 & 172: Why Do I Let It Get Me?

You know, for some reason I let my days off be the hardest for me these days...I used to consider them the EASIEST! I mean, I have more time for the gym...which is of the utmost importance for my weight loss..but wait...I DIDN'T EVEN GO TO THE GYM!!  Seriously?! I LOVE the gym!! I've just fallen out of the habit of going...I make excuses like: I'll be doing so much today that I'll burn the calories I need to, or I'll get to worn out and not be able to do the stuff at home that I need to..well guess what I did today...NOTHING! I was in a lazy, fat girl FUNK and accomplished zilch!  So here it is after 10pm at night, and I mad at myself, feeling like I let myself down again, and I know I have a crazy busy work weekend ahead of me, so I'm not going to get any working out in this weekend guess what that will mean on the scale? ARGH!!!!

I don't know what I'm going to do yet, but I've GOT to do something...even if it's a ton of jumping jacks and running in place at work! LOL, I always tell myself I can do that kind of stuff at work, but I never do. And I don't know what the mind game is, but if I don't eating sucks too! What kind of sense does THAT make? I can tell you exactly what it is though: If I work out, I'm tired and worn out and not ABOUT to waste all that effort I put in to the workout! I have GOT to get it together.

I absolutely HATE feeling like a failure, and lately, even though I've lost nearly 70 pounds in less than 6 months, I still feel that way, because I've absolutely wasted the past four weeks. And I fell out of routine, I didn't give up...but I came close enough, and I refuse to go back to the way things were. I was miserable, my marriage suffered, my faith suffered, my career...everything...and I can NOT go back to that...

I know this is a totally unhealthy thought: but I have to share...just in case someone else is feeling the end of the day...when I've make poor eating choices, or just eaten to much of the healthy stuff even...I have had this sickening and terrifying thought that I wish I could just puke all those bad choices up. Problem solved right? WRONG! I can't believe I have even let my brain go there! THAT is not a fix to any problem, in fact, it's just a NEW one that's far more likely to cause serious damage than a bad day is. I have got to get to the bottom of my food addiction issues and figure out how to help myself. I don't know why I eat and eat and eat...even when I'm not hungry, but I'll succumb to cravings because I just can't seem to shake them unless I give my body what it's asking for. So many people say: If you're craving sweets eat some fruit or all sorts of other craving solutions. That doesn't work for me. If I crave's specific...and the craving doesn't go away until I have it...and I can't seem to have just a bit or only have it every now and then. If  I crave a strawberry cheesequake blizzard from DQ, then a 150 calorie cone at McDonald's is not going to get rid of that I have to find a way to overcome my cravings...and it SUCKS!

Ok, I think I'm done ranting for a short time. :)
<3 Honor

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