14: Why I Have to lose the weight

I thought I would share with you today why it is that I have decided to start this journey and lose the weight now.

I turned 28 in June. That means that I am now 18 months away from being 30 and will celebrate my 9 year wedding anniversary this coming February. Time is quickly moving by, and we do not have any children.

In January 2004 I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, more commonly known as P.C.O.S. that, in a nutshell, means that it will be extremely difficult for me to become pregnant, without losing a significant amount of weight. The doctor was very helpful with putting me on birth control to regulate my cycle and in October of that year my husband was to leave for boot camp to become a member of the National Guard. In July, August, and September of 04 we did 3 rounds of Clomid, which is used to induce ovulation (egg production) in women who do not produce ova (eggs) but wish to become pregnant. Obviously that didn't work. So my husband, Jamie, went off to boot camp and I stayed home. During the three months that he was gone I started to have increasingly painful migraines daily.

By late December I was having difficulty seeing properly and had numbness on parts of my face, so on the 23rd I went to the E. R. They mis-diagnosed me with Bells Pausy (which is a random condition that causes facial numbness and goes away on its own). They did not address the migraines nor the vision problems and sent me home with a referral to see a Neurologist after the first of the year.

Thankfully I had a planned vacation the week after Christmas since my husband would be home for those days before going on to his specialized training for another three months. I was terrified. He had to leave again, and I still had this crazy thing going on with my vision, and couldn't drive nor could I work. After he left my mom took me to see the neurologist and within moments of some preliminary testing he rushed us over to have me admitted in the hospital. After a week of testing and being scared out of my mind, they performed a Spinal Tap and an MRI and Diagnosed me with a Pseudo Tumor Ceribi. Which pretty much meant that my brain thought I had a tumor, which it didn't, so the "protection" it was giving me was putting pressure in my optic nerve causing the vision problems, and other nerves-causing the facial numbness and giving me the migraines. This was an incurable disease which would require medication for the rest of my life and in the words of the neurologist, "You'll either lose weight, or you'll go blind", devastated me an threw me into a horrible depression.

Let's fast-forward to about a year later...I had managed to lose maybe 20 pounds,if that, and it was time for a check-up MRI to see how things were going and make sure the condition wasn't getting any worse. In that year I had switched neurologists because I felt that the first one was mean to me just because I was overweight and I had a really hard time getting over his comment (which was made while I had a foot long needle in my spine). So I go to the new neurologist and he does the MRI and guess what?? This incurable disease has mysteriously disappeared!!

Ok... I didn't know what to think...but I sure did celebrate! I had this newfound freedom and appreciation for life and just didn't realize how much time was passing and we were still childless...

So now here I am, present time, well about a month and a half ago, at a low point in my life. I take pictures of children and families every single day and watch awesome parents and despicable parents pass through my doors and I have this insane jealously towards the good ones and absolute rage towards the bad ones. I couldn't understand why God would give these terrible parents children and not us! What had we done to deserve a childless marriage? Well it's NOT my job to ask God why. It's my job to pray and ask that God's will be done in our lives. That's a hard thing to do when you feel like you've been cheated. So, I had myself a little "Come to Jesus moment" and realized that losing weight was not just about me. It's also about my husband and the potential of having a family with him. My selfishness through food addiction has not only hurt me but it's also hurt him as well. So I decided to change. This is something I have complete control over, I just have to retrain my brain and my body to agreeing with that!

So now the plan is to lose down to under 170 by the time I turn 30 (June 28th, 2013. Which gives me approximately 18 months. If I reach my goal and lose 100 pounds within the length of the Fitness Challenge, then I will only have 70 more pounds to go to reach my long-term goal and I'll have more than a year to make it happen! Sounds like a PLAN!!

Thank you for reading dear friends!
<3 Honor