Sunday, January 22, 2012

Day 56:

Being sick + working=BOO! It is so hard for me to find the energy to work out when I feel miserable! Even working 9 hours today was difficult and now I'm at the gym with my mom trying to squeeze out every bit of energy I can find to get in a workout. And my favorite machine at this gym is BROKEN! Argh!! The stupid scale is still being evil, ok it's actually by body that's being evil, but with that added to being sick, this just hasn't been an easy day. But I'm ok! Because I'm still doing my part in this journey, and I know that my unwavering faith in God and my body is going to pay off. It has to! I just really wish my body wouldn't fight back so HARD!

Through this journey I have really found that my food addiction issues are much worse than I initially thought. I used to say things like, "I don't eat a lot or binge eat, so I don't understand why I'm fat" or "Obesity runs in my family, so I'm just screwed" well that's NOT true!! I'm a compulsive eater with INTENSIVE craving issues! I also haves leaned toward other eating disorders my whole life...somehow staying in that gray area so no one really every noticed. I watch the Biggest Loser a Lot and they are always talking about why they got fat or what caused them to eat...blah, blah, blah. That's the way I've always thought of it. Why make an issue of something that's not anything besides eating to much of the wrong stuff? Well there's ALWAYS more to the story...ok, maybe not always, but almost always. I don't know for sure what all my problem with food is, other than just good old comfort. But I know there's 'more to the story'. I've felt with stuff in my lifetime. Not worse than anyone else, because no ones life is perfect, and I think most of my issues come from within, and the fact that I have a seriously addictive personally paired with O. C. D. That just can't be a good combination! But I will get it all figured out...and when I do, I'll be better for it.

Sleep tight!
<3 Honor

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